Some days I find myself selfishly not minding getting that lower ranking in April, because even though it could likely mean I would lost my job, it would also easily mean 6 months salary upfront

.... and a chance to start something new.

It's not that I don't like my current job. It's alright, I guess, but I'm ready for my world to change. As much as I am thankful for what I have now, I'm ready, desperately ready, for a change. I want to fall to my deepest low and crawl back out with a lighter head.

"When you've lost everything else, that's when you find yourself"

I want a change so much- I want to change myself, the people around me, the lifestyle I lead. I need to mess everything up and take my time arranging everything again, where and how I see fit.

I want to let go of people who are like the lalang tepi jalan, who say one thing but do something else the next. The indecisives, the ones who aren't sure of who they are and what they stand for.

Not that I'm any different, but I still hold on to some values. Or at least I try. I don't still pretend to like a person once they treat me like shit. I dont' see the point of maintaning friendships with people who don't deserve it. I don't see the point of faking nice to the many, many girls in Malaysia who are really nothing but shallow underneath.

I want to let go of a habit I never really was able to break. I want to find myself and better myself, and see what's so nice about falling in 'love', like everyone seems to be going on about. I want to rave about being happy and feeling happy.

I want to try yoga, go scuba diving, sit on the beach in Mauritius. I want to learn to play the drums, ride a bike, pick up cooking lessons. I want to travel the world, to find new friendships and build better relationships and not get so easily annoyed by the old.

I saw an old man walking by the road today. He was in a tattered shirt and ripped pants. His thin frame and bony face made him look even more tired and frail, as he was pulling himself slowly under the drenching hot sun. I felt like stopping the car and dropping him to where he wanted to be. I felt like giving him some money to get a drink, or maybe a decent meal. I felt like giving him a home, rather than have him out there like that.

But because it was a main road, I couldn't stop. Then I got angry. I got angry at life, and God. I don't know this man but what did he do to deserve a life like this? Why does he give such hardships to some people, yet there are some who simply breeze through life without even caring where they're next meal is coming from? How is all this fair and how does this work? How is a poor man supposed to resist stealing, or being angry with the world, when his situation is such?

They talk about patience, about understanding. I have so many questions, but there isn't really an answer- at least not one which I think makes sense.

I will always be that person who will keep on pushing you, and get irritated at you when you make the smallest mistakes- and that's only because I have that much faith in you for you to do better, because you do deserve better.

But there's only so much I can do, if you're not willing to help yourself.

It's in people like you that I find so much resentment in. People who talk so much about not having an easier life, people who get glassy-eyed looking at everyone else's wealth and luxury, yet refuses to do anything about the situation. Call me racist, but very typical melayu- all talk, and zero action. Cakap je banyak, buatnya tidak.... kinda like the govt, no?

Of course I want a better life- everyone does. I have everything I need, but not everything I want, and I admit that I am willing to keep on working harder to get everything I selfishly want. I do not want to stop simply because I am where I am. The world keeps on moving and you're expected to keep up with it, and I am ready to go.

Yes, I enjoy nights out, I enjoy dinners, movies, travel. I enjoy a lot of things that you contradict me for without realizing it, but I work for my money and I have every right to splash it out in whatever way I see fit. FYI, I've been saving a portion of my salary every month too and not simply throwing money away like you believe I am. Just because you earn less than me and you can't understand and keep up with my lifestyle, doesn't mean I should stop my life and wait for you to.

I've waited for years for you to catch me, or at least overtake me in life, and it's sad that you're content in doing nothing and not wanting a better future for yourself..... and I'm sorry but that's not what I want for the long run. I want someone who's ready to fight, who would do anything possible to ensure a comfortable life for himself. Not someone who's content where they are, yet wants to get married, raise kids, and do so much, but with nothing in hand.

So it's either you keep up with my stride, or you don't.

I was with him, and we were lazing around, just enjoying time together. I can't really recall where we were, but it looked like someone's bedroom or a large studio.... It was just the two of us, and everything seemed to be going so well. We were talking and laughing about nothing in particular, and somewhere between all that he falls asleep.

I remember feeling like a happy little fat kid, just smiling and rolling around next to him, enjoying the calm I felt in my heart. And then I looked to my left - and suddenly there's this other guy I hardly know (he's a mutual friend, we met once or twice, sans the random msn conversation) and he smiles, and then leaned in to kiss me!

All this while he was sleeping next to me. I was resisting the urge to kiss him back, but I found myself enjoying this random person. I was drinking every bit of him in, while sneaking little glances to make sure the other he was really asleep. This guy, this stranger, seemed to be really into me and I couldn't help but just be suckered into it- we ended up talking, lacing hands with each other, and I remember feeling a new sense of happiness, something new, something better, something I knew would be more valuable.

It was of course, a dream, and I woke up feeling excited, like I was half-expecting something dirty to happen today. I'm ready for my life to get picked up like a snowglobe and shaken all over the damn place.

But the realistic side of me just had to be a bitch and remind me that dreams mean nothing- it's just a dream after all, right? But the blonde side of me can't help but build myself up and take this as a sign of better things to come. That I shouldn't stay with him just because, when I know in my heart (like how I've always known) that things aren't going to work out in the long run- there are other people out there who will treat me better, and love me how I, like everyone else, rightfully deserve it.

Either that or I'm probably going to end up cheating on him -_-

The clearest difference of a man and a woman, is that while a woman stays up crying, blaming herself for what went wrong, the man probably finished his can of beer, and another level on his PS3 before turning in to bed.

I need to grow some balls and be more of a man.

Dinner at La Risata, Bukit Damansara



We covered all aspects- there was lamb, chicken, calamari, salmon ravIoli, pasta, lasagna, sauteed mushrooms, and plates of the evil bread with the evil olive oil



The flourless chocolate cake is a MUST TRY, I have yet to have met anyone who doesn't love it!
The other cake is some liquor-based cake, too heavy on the liquor for me -_-

Monopoly Deal- best game ever (after CTT and poker, definitely)

It's because everyone is selfishly seeking their own happiness.

It's because everyone is extremely selfish, and everyone is chasing their own idea of paradise. Everyone is so desperate for love, to be in love, and loved in return, that they will do anything and go to any extreme- cheating on partners, taking married men, accepting a person who cheats, going back to someone who physically and emotionally hurts them.... all in hopes that this person might be the one, that this is love, that this is how it should be.

We talk so much of getting hurt, of being hurt, but why do we purposely hurt others the way we wouldn't want it to hurt us? Why would a woman hurt another of their own kind that way? When you get involved- be it emotionally or physically- with a person when they are dating someone else- what makes you think they won't do it to you? It shows what kind of person they really are underneath and it's not a pretty picture. Just remember that once it's been done, it can be done again, and again, and again. Nothing ever really stops completely- a junkie is destined to relapse and an alcoholic will drink again, maybe not now and maybe not permanently, but chances are someone who is recovering and is trying to walk again, will fall, at least once.

Underneath it all, we are all selfish. We only put our happiness first, and we selectively block out the 'other person' because we think we can make them happier, or we can be happier, or better. So we believe what they say, even though our heart and mind tells us not to. Even though common sense tells us not to.

You talk so much about about finding true love, about being in love with the one, about raising a family and having your own children.... but how do you expect to do it all the right way, when the person you're seeing is in a relationship with someone else? How can you even begin your journey of happiness with them, when it started off with another person's pain?

"Selagi kita sendiri tak baik, macam mana kita nak attract yang baik?"

There are some things you just can't talk about. Not to your closest friends, or even to the guy who's always there for you.

How would I start anyway? How do I tell them that I've just driven past my old house just because I missed the people who I havn't seen in over 6 years? How does that not make me sound like a emo-pathetic person who's still hung up on her past?

The truth is, I still think about them sometimes. I still think about cause and effect, and everything that's happened. It comes rarely these days, but when it does, it's overwhelming....

The house is still beautiful, and I can still remember how it looks inside.

..........

That's how I've been feeling lately. I have little flashes of epiphanies in my head, then I get distracted by something else and I end up forgetting what it is I wanted to say in the first place.

And it's the same with my life. I have so many plans, wants, needs, dreams and hopes, but nothing has moved me enough to actually get to it. I'm stuck in this hole that is my everyday routine, and it's high time I dug myself out of it and started... well I don't know, planting flowers around the damn plot or something.

Out of the list I started a few weeks ago, I reckon I could slowly start crossing things off- I need to stop waiting for next month or next year to start fresh. There's nothing wrong in starting from right now, is there?

I don't know if I'm getting pretty jaded, but contrary to everyone else's review on how they cried buckets of tears watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife' and 'My Sister's Keeper', I didn't see anything that was really heart-wrenching in either movies.

I think I cry more everytime I watch Grey's Anatomy -_-

The good thing about having someone to bug all the time is having someone who will do stuff with me when I'm bored. I hate making plans and most of my trips are very spur of the moment, I'm bored - let's go right now kind of trips, and last week it was his turn to surprise me with a random roadtrip to Port Dickson.

Have to admit that I was a little bummed when I heard we were going to PD- the only times I've ever really been there were during the raves circa my dazed and confused younger years and the 2 day Freedom Festival last year, and I remember the waters being really brown and murky and the crowds being mostly really dodgy-malay. But he was so set on going that I didn't want to break his little heart so I hesitantly tugged along...

But I cheered up the second I saw the outline of the waves! I guess I'm a complete sucker for beaches, murky or not.He brought us to this quiet nook somewhere after Tanjong Tuan and just before the new Thistle Hotel, and I was so surprised to see that the waters were semi-blue! I was so excited that I dove in, and we spent hours in the water (literally, we got there at 11 and we came out of the waters at 3). The waters were clear enough that you could see your toes at the bottom of the seabed. You know how amazing that is for a crummy beach like Port Dickson??

Needless to say I was as black as Kanye West when I came home. My face is still peeling pretty badly, and I have noone to blame but myself for being such a smart alec and not getting sunscreen!

Yes I have a 'Lynfunkstar' nameplate necklace, but I swear I never use it!


The beach! My BB doesn't really have a good camera option -_-

And yes, that was and still is, how bad my sunburn was- the skin on my arm has yet to peel though the burn on my face has gotten significantly better than looking like a burn victim a few days ago. I was tan in some areas and darker in some patches, it made me look so horrible! I've been slapping on moisturizers of every size and shape on my face ever since, but my skin's still pretty dry and flaky :(

Having said this, my Pissy Sister and I will be driving off to Langkawi on Monday for three days- but this time I'm bringing the sunscreen!

My travel buddy for 2009 (and 2008)- Penang, Bali, Jakarta, Singapore.... what's next? :D


Gotta love Singapore's 7 elevens and their extensive choices (while us in Malaysia are taking liquor off the shelves)
and the freedom to park yourself anywhere without anal guards chasing you off for no damn reason- twas nice.










When she sang Halo she made it a tribute to Michael Jackson... people were literally bawling -__-


I don't really have any pictures of her facing me, as we were at side of the stage

BUT


At one point during the show she walked down the stairs...

AND

AND

AND

...........


Walks right in front of me! This was how close I was to Beyonce! (Not that I'm a big fan but still, Beyonce!)

Did I mention our tickets for Beyonce were free, thanks to our awesome negotiating skills (and tak malu-ness lah mostly). We spoke to a couple of mat sallehs who were leaving the venue after Black Eyed Peas and they willingly gave us their tags before they ran off for the face finale. Slipped it on and got in for free, baby. Saved us SGD200 = over 500 ringgit, for a front row view (ok lah right in front at the side but still, right in front). 

She did put on an amazing show, and I'm glad we managed to catch it there, what more for free. Even if she did come to Malaysia I would never have been able to catch her in her full concert gear- the costumes, the infamous bootylicious dance moves, and watching her THAT close! 

Singapore's F1 Rocks was amazing. Both days were well worth it, and even if I had to pay full price for both days it would still have been well worth it. Bummer we missed out on Samatha Ronson and several other DJs at the Fuel Party that was on in the National Museum though, all the fellow Malaysians we met there said it was banging. Could have had a chance to catch Lindsay Lohan there too :(

1. Start Praying again (and not just when I'm sad or when I want something)
2. Learn to ride a Ducati
3. Learn to cook (anything else than maggi, hot water and pasta)
4. Learn to play the guitar / the drums
5. Learn to love myself a bit more
6. Learn to forgive him (but only if he truly deserves to be forgiven)
7. Go deep sea diving
8. Go sky-diving
9. Get a Brazilian wax.... or any kind of wax for the matter
10. Get my hair to stop thinning / balding
11. ..... or if that fails, go bald (like fo reals bald)
12. Get a new job in a totally different field
13. Get a fish! 
14. Pierce my tongue
15. Do more charity work
16. Pick up web and graphic design again
17. Possibly get my own domain
18. Travel the world
19. ..... visit Amsterdam at least before I get married! 
20. Live away from KL and the city
21. ..... buy my own house / condo unit
22. Take more pictures
23. ..... get a kick ass camera (Leica *cough*)
24. Jog more often
25. Pick up kickboxing and futsal again (it's been a year since I did either)
26. Try out Yoga (just to see what all the hype is about)

I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what's next. I hate the possibility of losing it all- losing my comfort zone, my stability, my one source of income.

But as much as it freaks me out, (I think) I'm ready. I think I'm ready for everything to be picked up and jumbled around. Perhaps it's time for a change of pace, a change to what I know I'm capable of doing. I've already been working for the past 4 and a half years and I've been at some pretty good places, and for that, I am thankful.

It's time for me to move forward, to welcome changes. And this time around, I think I'm finally ready to leave. 

I want need this.

I know those snide faces, those chiding remarks- how silly I am, how blind I've become, how stupid, how (fill in the blank with your own cuss word), even after everything he's done to me.

But you know why I keep turning back to him, regardless of just how much he keeps hurting me, and how much I myself know that I should let go?

It's because at times like this, when no one is around, when no one else gives me a second chance, when no one else gives a second thought about me- he's there.

And that's all I really need sometimes, to just be remembered.

The people who run this country never fail to piss me off everyday.

This came into my news feed earlier today and I couldn't help but feel so god damn irritated by it. I know it's probably a minor thing and it's not that I even smoke anymore, but does the CAP really have to compare Malaysia's ciggarette prices with Singapore? 

"For example, premier packs of 20s in Singapore are priced between RM27 to RM80 (S$11 to S$32.80),” he (CAP president S.M. Mohamed Idris) said.

It really isn't fair to keep on comparing Malaysia to other countries. Yes, ciggarettes in Singapore are priced at RM27 and above, but that is AFTER conversion. When people in SIngapore fork out SGD11 to pay for their ciggarettes, it's dollar-for-dollar with us here, who fork out slightly less for a box of 20's. If you want to compare it that way, someone who works in Mcdonalds in Singapore can earn around SGD1,300 a month, which is nearly RM3k here.... did you ever want to compare that? Did they ever think that nearly everyone around my age group and below find it so hard to save every month, because the basic salary for someone with a diploma is RM1,200 - RM1,500, while someone with a degree only gets RM1,500 - RM2,000 monthly? How is it possible for anyone to live with that amount every month, if they don't have rich parents to still cover their housing and buy them a car?

Sure, it's enough to pay your car loan, basic insurance, phone bills, perhaps even rent... but how does someone earning that amount get to save for the long-term? How can you make plans to get married, buy a house, do anything in Malaysia when prices keep sky-rocketing but basic salaries still remain the same? It's hard to get by when you don't have your rich doting parents to do everything for you.

It's like when the Australian govt commented on how Malaysia's broadband services are not up to par and it's turning Australians away from investing in the country- the Malaysian govt was so quick to retaliate that our broadband does NOT suck, compared to third-world countries like Cambodia. No fucking shite if you compare lower- why not compare again to Singapore, and see how quick and fuss-free their broadband really is? 

Malaysia is all talk and no action. They have a lot of dreams and ambitions for the country, but no follow through. So many cases have been left uncovered and unsolved- I could name so many off the back of my hand- yet nothing seems to genuinely be improving. Prices keep going up but salaries remain the same. Our money is being taxed every month and every year, but even basic simple things like potholes are still by the millions all over the roads, and the transportation system can't even be relied on to save your life. We have politicians in parliment causing such a ruckus that all you need to do is switch on TV3 for entertainment. Let's not even start with anything govt-based- the post offices, the immigration departments, where everyone has a sour face and they still do work the same way they did in 1981.

It's really no wonder that most Malaysians leave the country and never want to come back. It's high time everyone probably did the same, as we live in a country that seems to be growing on the outside, but still stagnant on the inside. 

We arrived in Singapore at 7.30pm on that Friday night, chucked our bags at my Aunty's place in Jurong and rushed over to Fort Canning. Missed NERD though :( By the time we came, it was ZZ Top, bah!


Bumped into Lynn (who works with me at AMP- She's the Content Editor for Mix FM)










Adrian Young, you're the love of my life <3

And to think Gwen Stefani is a mother of two. Her abs and her stamina easily puts me to shame! The show was well worth it (though it would be better if we managed to catch NERD as well), and they sang the best of their stuff- from Tragic Kingdom, Return of Saturn, right up to Rock Steady! 

We only paid RM150 for each of our tickets (thanks to my googling skills, I found a KL seller who wanted to sell off her tickets on the day of the concert itself). The crowd turnout was amazing, and we used our mad skills to inch our way right in front of the stage towards the middle of their show- we would never have been this close to the stage should the band have a concert in Malaysia!