I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe everything I've been feeling this past few weeks.

Reading an entry by Soph actually brought me to tears (must be the freaking PMS) because in that one beatiful post, she managed to give me courage, strength, and faith in myself that things will be ok- and I don't have to rely on anyone to get there.

That's the irony about life and how we tend to always judge people from the outside, and regardless of all the handbags, the clothes, the money, the cars.... everyone has their own story underneath the facade.

"I now know that I am above all else, loyal. If I say that I am your friend, I will be your friend to the best of my abilities. Unfortunately, I still err on the whole bitching-when-annoyed issue because I flare hot when angered. Secondly, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I never thought about this but I love all the people in my life so irrevocably. That is why I get so hurt so easily by them. But because of that whole loyalty thing, I can't seem to cut myself off from these people who sometimes hurt me because with the weighing of pros and cons, I've always decided that people make mistakes, people have tempers and pride, and I've always been forgiven therefore I need to send a little back as well. So I've discovered that I'm also a rather forgiving person. And for all the bitchiness and catty things that I say and think, I know that no matter what, I always manage to see some good in people everywhere, even the obnoxious girls I hate." - http://sophers.livejournal.com

I wish I could paste your whole blog entry here, but then again I think it's made private for a reason. I'm sorry if this, was also private for you, but it bears such a striking resemblence to everything that I've been going through lately that I couldn't help but re-post it.

Who knew another person's blog entry could help cheer up my day?

I need to remind myself on the good things I have in my life, because so often I forget how really lucky I am.

I need to remind myself to stop comparing my life and what I have to others, because no matter how much I keep on comparing, I'll never come close to what some people easily have, without even trying or working hard for it.

I need to remind myself, that friends will fuck me over and people can hurt me with their mindless words and actions, and there's nothing I can do about it, no matter how it makes me feel and how much I can't seem to control my feelings.

I need to remind myself to let go of what I feel sometimes, and try to be like other people around me, who dont' seem to think twice about hurting others, and have a good night's sleep afterwards.

I need to remind myself, that sometimes friends will conveniently forget to invite me for things, and there's nothing I can really do about it but feel dissapointed by the people I once cared about.

I need to remind myself to be a little bit more fake, and still kiss ass like everyone around me seems to love doing. What's the point of not liking someone, but hanging out with them anyway? I really, really, really never understood that, but apparently thats the one move that gets you where you need to be in KL.

I need to remind myself, to let go of the past, and that what happened before shouldn't be able to hurt me anymore.

I need to remind myself to work even harder at my job, as that's the only good thing I've got going for me right now and I don't plan to fuck it up anytime soon. 

I need to remind myself, that when all else fails, that I'm still going to be ok at the end of the day, even when there's no one else around.

I think it doesn't matter whether you have a boyfriend on your left shoulder, or that latest Chanel bag on your right. Or if you finally got the salary you think you deserve, or if you drive that car you really wanted. Or if you have a whole clique of friends and you have hundreds of albums on facebook.

It just doesn't matter, because loneliness can still strike you even when you're surrounded by hundreds of people and a multitude of possessions.

And mind you, it's not really a pleasant feeling. 

I wish I knew what was wrong and why I keep feeling this way. At least then I'll have an excuse to pick at it and try to at least make it a little bit better.
 
But everytime I try to understand, I remember too much, and then it starts to hurt all over again.

This weekend holiday was definitely one of those spur of the moment things. We were chatting on MSN one day, and we started comparing Air Asia flight prices. We had Jakarta as our first option, then somehow it elevated to Bangkok, and then we finally settled on Bali (the beaches got to us)

We didn't make any plans, we didn't book any hotels (it helps to have a cousin who stays there though) and we just packed our bags and went for a weekend trip :)

I don't know if I'm just really tired, or if my mind doesn't want to comprehend what I'm dealing with anymore...

but I'm back to that phase in my life, where all I really want to do is sleep. Not talk, not see anymore, not go out, not even shop (horror of all horrors!). I slept at 3pm (yesterday) and I just woke up 20 minutes ago, at 7am today. 

And now, all I really want to do is just go back to sleep.

I think if you're smart enough to pass off snide comments, you should be ready for what comes back at you.

I pass off snide comments all the fucking time, so I know that I no longer have the right to feel offended by what can sometimes come out of people's mouth.

So it really surprises me when some people who have mouths worse than a kampung girl's puki, can have the fucking guts to feel so offended. Dude, you bitch about other people all the fucking time, do you not fucking know how much your stupid words can offend them?

And all you whine about is of YOUR stupid feelings and how hurt or offended you are. EVERYONE has fucking feelings, I'm sure even fucking Hitler shed a tear when he killed people (albeit, in joy). Did you think about HER feelings when you criticized the size of her thighs? Did you think about HIS feelings, when you said he wasn't a good enough friend? Did you think about MINE before you slammed me on fucking Facebook?

I really dont' understand some people. They expect so much from the people around them, yet they give jack shit in return.

It still feels like I'm inches away from breaking apart, from watching myself scatter all over again.

It's funny how things work sometimes. A year ago, I was alone, I felt like my job was mediocre.... but I had my friends. I had a life. Fast forward to today, and yes, I do have someone in my life. And yes, my job has gotten far more hectic, but it justifies what I'm earning. But sometimes I feel like I no longer have my friends, or a life. I guess that's how things work sometimes, and we can't really have the best of everything. I know if I wanted to maintain my old lifestyle, I'll have to sacrifice my job and the hours I put in, but I don't really want to anymore. I feel like I've already gravitated away from what I used to be... and I'm slowly turning into someone I'm capable of becoming. 

Close friends often don't realize how much it stings when they tell me that the reason (they believe) on why I've been m.i.a lately, is because I have someone else in my life. What they fail to realize is how much hours I'm putting in at work, and how much effort it is to wake up at 4am every morning, to have disrupted sleep all the time and to constantly feel this tired. 

I don't know what I'm getting at really. Other than the headfuck I'm feeling right now, from sleeping at 4am and waking up at 11.30pm. I still have three hours to burn before getting ready for work, and I'm at a lost of going back to sleep or watch Nico Riley get a g-spot rejuvination on Lipstick Jungle. 

One of the better comedians for the night :D
 

It was my first time at a local Comedy Night and I think it's a pretty interesting concept to introduce to the KL scene. I can however imagine the jokes to become stagnant and repeated if it's done too often... as it already was some of the liners were kind expected, you know? Most of them were pretty damn funny, but I felt terribly bad for one of the Malay comedians (I forgot his name, but Farah thought he was hot ;p) as his jokes were beyond e-mail lame, and at one point he was digging real low when he took a swipe at Adibah Noor for being too fat. 

Fat humour, really? That's something I would expect a certain friend to lash out to me instead ; )

Sometimes I feel guilty for mocking her so much. 

I wish my friends knew that there's no point in coming to me with their problems when they aren't willing to fight for themselves in the first place, because I value my friendships and I will fight fiercely for you, especially when I know that there is someone else hurting the people close to me. Dont' tell me things if you don't need me to fight for you. I cannot pretend to be ok with it, with you, with her, when I know that that person was the one that had hurt you before. I do not know how to tune out what I feel and pretend everything is ok.

It's just so many kinds of wrong that I cannot talk about it, about her, about him, without getting aggravated enough to cut a bitch.

But then again I'm not really angry at him. I, of all people, know about making the wrong decisions, and well, like I said before, it's all up to them. What do I know about what goes on behind closed doors? Perhaps I am wrong at making and passing my own judgements?

I wrote a post to an old friend, but then I put it on friends only, then to private, then to friends only, and I think it's now on private again.

I'll post it up when I'm ready, or whenever I'm feeling particularly malicious one day.

On another highlight of my life, I bumped into an old friend last night, and true to his hazardous mouth, he once again commented on my (or the boyfriend's) weight gain. He's commented once before, while sniggering the typical melayu words of 'sihat nampak'. It's funny how I no longer take offense in what people have to say about my size, especially when it comes out the mouth of insecure people, who still use drugs to lose weight everytime someone comments about them!

But such are human, and such are people, and even I am guilty of sometimes disregarding other people's feeling for my own vanity and sick humour.

Granted, I am looking rounder and fatter, which I blame on the morning shift, and eating before napping.  I'm not denying that, and I'm not denying the fact that at least I am happy. I might be fat but I am blessed with love and good food around me, and I don't bitch and complain like some skinny fucking girls who feel guilty for eating RICE and then whine about being fat.

(Dear god everytime I read those comments I say a silent prayer for them to one day really blossom into a size 22 and then they can go ahead with all their stupid fucking comments.)

You're already obviously gorgeous. And you probably have a 24 inch waist and your top is probably an S, if not an XS. What is your deal for feeling guilty on eating, when there are so many people out there who go without food everyday? If it makes you happy, go with it, but if you feel guilty, do something about it- cut down on dinner, go for a jog, have sex with your perfect boyfriend for god sakes if you must (it may help you burn calories and that nonexistant fat you think you have.)

So to all those stupid, stupid girls, learn to be grateful and thankful if you're already a size 8 and pretty to boot, and quit saying stupid things and look for people to deny your claims to boost your own selfish ego.

GOD DAMN IT I'm so irritated with you skinny Malaysian girls!

My idea of an ideal night in after a double shift at work is:

1) A rainy night, so the room feels nice and cool even without the air conditioner on

2) The TV miraculously working again, sparking my sudden interest in ps2 games from circa 2000/2001 (i.e- State of Emergency, Shrek's Super Party and Crazy Taxi)

3) Them cheap ass orange-packets of 'Keropok Ikan Segera'


 

I constantly have things in my head that I promise myself to write about when I get home. I contemplate writing them down so I won't forget, but between the handbag switching and the fact that the thoughts normally barrage my mind when I'm stuck maneuvering my way through KL's infamous traffic jams, it's pretty hard to find a pen to write stuff down, and by then something else would have come up, and this thought gets chucked in a bubble in my head, and then there's another bubble, and another bubble...

Too many bubbles.

Have you ever felt that life was just passing you by without you even noticing? The other day I promised myself that I would say a prayer before I slept that night, for the simple fact that everything was going smoothly in my life. But then I was so tired and I fell asleep and I obviously forgot. Then today when I was on the DUKE highway (god sent baby, GOD SENT) I figured that rather then continuing to belt out to Camera Obscura, why not say a word of thanks right now? Why wait till I was about to fall asleep at night?

So I did. Then some Indian bastard cut me off, I flicked the bird at him, and I forgot what I had originally planned to do.

We work, we eat, we fight, we cry, we laugh, we party, we have sex, we sleep, we drink, we pray, we forgive, we let go. It goes on and on and on... and I've been falling more and more crazed as of late. I feel like something is missing, but then again I ALWAYS feel like something is missing. I get angsty and I'm irritable, and I don't really know why. I'm constantly hungry, and I crave shitloads of junk, and when I have them in my hands I'll eat half and I'll feel bored. I want to sleep, but my sleeping habits have been fucked of late, and without xanax or cough syrup it's hard to really get a decent night's sleep lately.

I want to be good at something. I want to love my job. I want to love myself. Above all, I want to feel grateful... I want to feel like I deserve everything I have right now, which on somedays I feel that I don't. I feel like I want to, that I have to, work harder, and be better.

And mostly I just really want to get a good night's sleep. I want to accomplish so much, but I can't even bother to get up and start trying.

I think I've lost interest in writing.

Ok scratch that, I probably havn't, but then again my job involves so much writing, that when the day's over (or actually when it would have just begun for most normal people) all I want to do is crawl back into bed and zone out.

I do have a couple of things on my mind to write about, especially that night at Midnight Oil last week in Bali, where we tried that concoction and sat by the beach and just flipped out for about 6 hours. In all my (soon to be) 24 years, I have never, ever, ever saw the beach look that beautiful that night (nor have I ever seen all the colours meshed into my mind that way before)

And then there's a couple of other things bothering me, but it's nothing more that I can say without offending about half a dozen people close to me. Perhaps it all balls down to bitterness, or maybe even jealousy, that some people have it and I don't.

Envy is a very ugly thing, isn't it?

It makes you overlook what you have in front of you, simply because it's not as lavish or beautiful as what the person next to you has. But life is such, and people will never really be grateful, no matter what they have. The only thing for me to do is not aggravate myself, and live my life as it is, with what I have, which when I step back and look at, is more than enough to keep me happy.

Granted, I may not be as blessed as many other people... but what I have is probably fare more than what others could ever acquire, and for that, I am grateful. 

I have no vengeance, nor do I have hatred for anyone who has malice for me and how I live my life. I will always encounter people like this, who use words to bring another person down.... because we all know, what else do people like this have besides petty words? If you're really and truly so very happy, why take so much time and effort to prove it and bring everyone else down?

So yes... I can officially say I don't care much about the drama, or the clubs, or the fake niceness a lot of people seem to love doing (I can see your brown nose from all that ass kissing). All I want to do now is live each day and work towards my next goal, as I never want to rely on anyone else but myself to keep me happy and provide me with everything I would ever need in my life.

It's always been that way anyway.
 

I honestly felt like Steve Aoki's gig this year wasn't as banging as his gig last year, but then again last year we had glasses flowing the whole damn night (which could have been a factor to why it was probably better) and the venue at Zouk was smaller and more... private? This year the crowd was just weird and I'm judgemental like that.

Never the less this year's was pretty fun too- Bobo, J and I went with Kak Ina and Haziq, then met up with Clara, Shan, and a couple of others there too! 
 

Spent the night with J at the usual joint (cough cough), and we stayed up talking (frozen yaw-ghurt ya'all) until 6am, before remembering that checkout was at 10! Hahaha I love you frozen yaw-ghurt <3 Went to Palate Palette for steak and cheese sandwiches and more of Aoki :D